


Panicking

by bucketofbarnes



Series: 30 Day RoboWhump Prompt Challenge [10]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Has PTSD, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Whump, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Needs A Hug, Father-Son Relationship, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Panic Attacks, Post-Game(s), Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucketofbarnes/pseuds/bucketofbarnes
Summary: He could see the officer bleeding to death on his left, the blood spreading through the pool on his right. He could feel the thirium running down his artificial skin to soak into his jacket from the gunshot wound on his arm. The little girl was whimpering, begging for her life.He didn't want to die again.Or: Connor visits New Jericho and has a major flashback.
Relationships: Connor & Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Connor & North (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson & Connor & Sumo
Series: 30 Day RoboWhump Prompt Challenge [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1397521
Comments: 8
Kudos: 283





	Panicking

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the 30 Day Robowhump Prompt Challenge. 
> 
> I've had this written for a while but forgot. Oops.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy :)

“Wondered when you were going to show your face around here again.” 

Connor jumped at the voice that came from right behind him and felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment. An advanced prototype with multiple combat routines installed, and someone had managed to sneak up on him.

Hank would be laughing his ass off right now.

North smirked at him as he tried to brush off his moment of startlement, crossing her arms over her chest. Even if she had snuck up on him, it was nice to see her again. After that night, when he had been so lost in his own terror that he’d felt unable to move, the two of them had stayed in touch. North had been a rock that he hadn’t expected, always ready to listen and unwilling to suffer any bullshit. 

As someone who had plenty of issues of her own, she knew just how hard living with them could be. And that understanding was exactly why he had asked her to come with him when he had reentered the Zen Garden for the first time after the stage. Tearing it down had been more relieving than he could even begin to describe, and knowing that he wasn’t alone as he did? It was a comfort that he hadn’t expected. The two of them in that moment had almost become one, lost in their rage against those who had dared to try and use and control them. A bond forged in rage and despair.

Connor, unable to hold her scaring him against her, smiled shyly at her. North’s smile gentled into something more friendly, and she hooked an arm through his as she tugged him towards Jericho. “How have you been, North?”

“Eh, can’t complain.” She said. “Sick of the humans and their red tape, but I think that’s something I share with everyone here.”

Connor hummed sympathetically. Though he hadn’t been at the front lines of dealing with the Government like Markus had been, he had more than been keeping an eye on things. Android laws were advancing more and more as time passed, but with every law passed, the world around them changed. For every human that accepted their presence, there were those that weren’t so generous. With anti-android groups becoming more and more vocal, and the police still having officers present that were less than sympathetic towards the androids’ plight, it was hard going for the android population of Detroit. 

While Markus was doing all that he could to negotiate for more laws, rules and regulations to protect androids from harm, these things took time. With no other options left, the Deviant Leader had been forced to handle some of these things himself. Gathering a group of volunteers, he had begun creating something resembling a security force around the city. Groups of androids would patrol around the city, responding to distress calls, attempting to keep the peace, and in general showing that they would no longer just sit there and take the abuse that humanity tried to throw at them. Of course, it was hard to balance security with the pacifistic stance that Jericho so prided itself on. Which was when Markus had turned to him. Knowing that Connor had more combat programs installed than could ever be necessary, he had asked the RK800 if he could visit Jericho to discuss the possibility of teaching the security teams some of the more non-lethal methods of disabling an attacker. 

Connor had been more than willing to come along and help. Seeing the security androids on the street had been delightful to see, taking a weight off of his shoulders that he didn’t even consciously know that he had been carrying. As the first and only android officer officially employed by the police, it had placed a great deal of responsibility and expectations on him. He was looked to as the one to keep his people safe, a task that was impossible with only him and Hank. Looking at the security androids, he had known before Markus even asked that he would be willing to do anything to help them accomplish their mission.

“And how’re you?” North asked. "I heard you caught the virus those anti-android assholes cooked up. You okay?"

"Almost." Connor smiled. "I'm still on desk duty at the moment, but I'm almost back to full functionality."

"Also heard how you caught it." The brunette side eyed her, not liking her tone. She looked perfectly casual, as if they were just talking about the weather. But the last time she had used that tone, someone had ended up with a broken nose.

"He apologised. In his own way."

"Like that makes it any better."

"It doesn't. But he made an effort. Whether that was because of Hank……"

"Yeah, well, Anderson had better get in line."

"North."

"What?"

By now, they had reached Jericho, the building towering over them. Walking through the doors, his breath stalled in his chest as he took in the sight of the changes building.

With the ship gone, their people had had nowhere to go. Thankfully, there was no shortage of empty buildings in the city, especially after the evacuation. Though many people had returned to the city, not everyone was so eager to do so. When it had become apparent that their people were at risk in camps such as the one that had been put down in Hart Plaza, Markus had been forced to search the city for alternatives. After days of searching, of their scouts had finally come across an old hotel. The hotel, having around 300 rooms, would more than suffice for shelter for many androids if they shared rooms. 

Having been virtually abandoned for years due to its outdated nature, it had been taking in very little money for years. The owner had been happy to let the keys go, for a price. A price that Carl Manfred had immediately volunteered to pay, so quickly that Markus didn't even have a chance to refuse. 

After the keys had landed in their hands, hundreds of androids had gotten to work. Fixing damaged furniture, or throwing out what couldn't be saved. Patching up holes in walls and weakened floor boards. A few rooms had been placed aside for functions such as maintenance. The kitchens now dedicated to the production and storage of Thirium. Though the repairs had greatly improved it's appearance, the last time Connor had been here, the rough state of the building had still been clear to see. 

Now, however, it looked like an entirely different building. Androids had clearly taken to the walls with paint and brushes, likely having been donated by Carl. Where there had once been dull cream paint, it had now been replaced by bright colours, abstract designs and though he hadn't had a chance to have a proper look at it, he was pretty sure he had even spotted a mural in the lobby. The coat of paint had brightened the place up considerably, and any worn patches on the floors were now covered with rugs. Indoor plants had been dotted around, and along with the fixed lighting, all the changes had completely transformed the place. It was lovely to see. 

"Is everyone settling in alright?" Connor asked. 

"Oh, yeah. Now we've gotten the place fixed up a little, it's finally starting to feel like home." North smiled. "People are still having to share rooms, but it's warm, and it's safe. It's better than we expected."

"And how much of the art is Markus' fault?"

She snorted, eyeing some of the more elaborate abstract art on the walls. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess."

"Some people stress bake. Markus stress  _ paints _ . It's….. interesting to watch, to say the least."

"How has he been holding up?" 

"Surprisingly well. At least, that's the impression he tries to give. But some of us know better." She sighed. "Trying to gain rights for an entire species, there's not exactly a manual to follow."

"He's gotten us this far, and besides, he's got one thing to help him."

"What?" She asked, as they stepped into the elevator, pressing the button for the top floor. 

"His friends. You, Simon, Josh?" North smiled at this, a look in her eyes like she was still surprised that she  _ had _ friends.

"You're included in that too, you know." She nudged him playfully in the side. "He wouldn't have invited you here if you weren't……. They were worried about you. We all were."

"Worried?"

"They told us about what happened. Before you left?"

Any traces of his smile disappeared as he thought back to that night. The cold. The fear. That overwhelming need to get out, to find somewhere safe, to get to Hank. He hadn't been back to Jericho since that night. He hadn't been able to bring himself to. 

"Are you okay?" North asked, the worry in her voice clear.

"I'm fine, North."

"If you say you're fine, I'll trust you. But Connor, we're here for you, okay? Don't forget that."

"I won't." He said quietly. "Thank you."

It was still strange to Connor as well, having friends. His entire existence as a machine, he had been told that such things were unnecessary. Even when he had told Amanda that he would try and befriend Lieutenant Anderson, for the sake of the mission, she had not been pleased. Looking back, she may have known that in doing so, he would become that much closer to becoming a deviant. And after the revolution, he had been content with the knowledge that he had Hank. And Sumo. He had two friends that he had never expected to get. That was enough for him. 

But before he knew it, he had North. And then Markus. And then, more recently, Simon and Josh. And he had become more friendly with a few of the officers at the precinct. Out of nowhere, he suddenly had all of these people who interacted with him, not because he would be useful for a mission, but because they liked him. It was something that he had never expected. And something that he still felt somewhat unworthy of. He closed his eyes, attempting to banish those thoughts from his mind, before he finally asked the question that was on his mind.

"Where is Markus, anyway?"

"What? Am I not good enough for you?"

"No! I wasn't saying that!" North grinned as his stuttered his way through his denial. 

"Relax, I'm just messing with you." She laughed. "He's up on the roof, in that little hideaway of his. I told him you'd meet him up there."

The elevator reached the top, and the doors opened with a quiet ding. Stepping out, Connor saw through one of the open doors that Simon and Josh were stood over a table, deep in discussion. Knowing them, they were trying to figure out the right way to word a statement for a press conference, or a talk show. Or trying to find new ways to improve Jericho. Markus, North, Josh, Simon? It seemed their lives revolved around the revolution nowadays. But when they thought back to those day hidden in the dark, waiting for deactivation, or worse, they realised that they wouldn't have it any other way. 

"I'm gonna go and see if they need any help. I'll see you later?"

"Of course." Connor smiled. "Say hello to them for me."

"Will do." North gave him a pat on the back in farewell, almost knocking him forward with the sheer strength of it, before slipping through the cracked open door to join Simon and Josh. 

Turning towards the stairs leading to the roof, he made the short trip up and pushed the bar for the door, swinging it open and stepping out onto the top of the building. 

He took in the view of the city around him for a moment, the surrounding buildings lighting up the night sky. Looking across the roof, he saw what North had called Markus' little 'hideaway'. It looked like it's original purpose had been a greenhouse. But the roof panels had been covered up, to stop as much of the daytime glare getting in. Any plant life inside had been removed, making way for a small piano, and a couch that was covered with a throw and several cushions. It looked like a nice and cosy spot, and it made Connor happy to know that Markus had a place like this that he could go to when things got too much. 

Peering in through the glass walls, he could see Markus sat at the piano, and as he got closer, he could hear the quiet sound of his music. It was a slow piece, almost soothing to listen to. Connor stood there for a moment, content to just listen, before he finally lifted a hand to give a gentle knock to the panels. 

The Deviant Leader stopped playing and looked up. As he took in the sight of Connor stood outside, a happy smile lit up his face, and he stood quickly to come out and greet him.

"Connor." Markus stopped in front of him, reaching out to place a welcoming hand on his shoulder. "It's good to see you."

"And you." He smiled. "I don't know what I expected to see when I came up here. But this?"

"Well, the others insisted." The Deviant Leader rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. "I kept forgetting to take breaks and eventually Simon threatened to lock me in a room and leave me there for an hour straight if I didn't start taking them."

" _ Simon _ said that?"

"Don't trust the innocent look. He's tougher than he looks. He's gone toe to toe with North in the past."

Connor shook his head, still slightly in disbelief. "And so you decided on the roof?"

"There was this place near Jericho. The old Jericho. A building that was destroyed in a fire and left abandoned. There was this room in there that was missing a wall. You could see out over the city from there.” He smiled. “I used to go there when I needed some time to think in peace. So I thought, why not try somewhere high again? And then I found the greenhouse."

"It looks nice. Comfortable."

"It had better be after all the effort it took to get the couch and piano up the stairs." Markus grinned. 

"And how have things been going with the movement?"

"It's been going pretty well." Markus said, a fervent light in his eyes. "It's slow going, but people are finally starting to listen to us."

"That's great." And it was. Though right now, android right were nowhere near equal to those that humanity enjoyed, this was more freedom than they had ever had. Connor himself was feeling the effects of these changes. His presence within the DPD was proof of the changes being made. "But I understand that not everyone is."

Markus frowned, as he recalled the real reason that he had called Connor over. Though he had chosen the path of pacifism, it did not mean that he was immune to feeling anger. And it did, make him angry, that even within the realms of law enforcement, there were those that refused to follow their own laws. When the government had passed the law that harming or killing an android was now as illegal as doing so to a human being, he had been ecstatic. Though there were many other laws to pass, that had been the primary one that had been on his mind. Not a day went past when he wasn't worried for his people. Scared that they would be attacked, and it would still be treated like someone had cracked the screen on their phone.

But not long after the law had been passed, it had become clear that even some of the police officers that had sworn to follow the law, were refusing to do so when androids were involved. Though many police officers accepted that androids were now part of the population that fell under their protection, there were some that refused to even entertain the idea. Manipulating evidence, threatening victims, even ignoring calls for help in some of the more extreme situations. Androids were coming back to Jericho, hurt and bleeding, upset that nothing was being done. And he had been furious. He had argued with anyone in power that he could get ahold of, trying to get this problem dealt with. But no matter what he tried, it still went on. And so he had been left with the option of creating his own security force, or doing nothing. 

"I'm sorry that it's come to this, Markus."

"It's not your fault, Connor. You've done just as much to try and deal with this issue as I have. You're one of the few fighting to change the police from the inside." He said. "Thank you for that."

Connor shook his head. "Don't mention it. I'm just sorry I haven't been around more."

"You've been busy Connor. You may not have been dealing with the government like us, but you've been doing everything in your power to protect them our people in other ways."

“Still. I wish I could have helped more.”

“Well, you’re helping now, aren’t you.” Markus smiled softly, knowing that Connor was so torn up over this because of the guilt he felt over the raid. No matter how many times they told him that it wasn’t his fault, and that he had been a hero that night when he had volunteered for the sucuide mission, it was clear that he didn’t believe them. However, these things took time, and the Deviant Leader hoped that one day, Connor would be able to make peace with his past. "I'd like to apologise."

Connor froze, his CPU working furiously to try and figure out what he was talking about. "For what?"

"You should have been safe here, with our people. Especially after what you did for us. I'm sorry that you weren't."

"Markus….. I don't-"

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I just want you to know that we found them."

"How?"

"Simon caught enough of a glimpse of them as they were running away that he was able to ask around. We found them eventually. They've been dealt with."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Yes we did." Markus said firmly. "What they did was wrong. We couldn't just stand by and let that pass."

"There's no need to apologise. It wasn't your fault."

"We're responsible for our people. Me, North, Josh and Simon. We all chose to take on that responsibility." Markus said, his voice pained. "This never should have happened under our watch and I promise you that we will do everything in our power to ensure that it never does again."

"It's okay Markus, really. It's nothing I didn't expect."

Markus felt a wave of sadness overcome him as he looked at Connor, who was hugging himself and avoiding his gaze. Just like back in the Church. Knowing that Connor thought so little of himself that there was a part of him that thought he deserved what happened, it was horrible. 

“So, what is it that you need from me?” Connor asked, as he leaned against the side of the greenhouse. It was a clear dismissal of the previous subject and Markus took a deep breath to gather himself before moving on to the reason he had called Connor to Jericho.

“We’ve set up our own security teams, but they’re still a new construct. They’re willing to do anything to protect our people, but they’re……. unpolished? They’re not completely sure what they should be doing, what impression they should be giving. And with the violence out on the streets right now, that’s dangerous.” Markus hated to talk about the security teams like that, but it was the truth. Enthusiastic as they were, they were untrained. For every model that had an advantage, like the construction models, there was another that had been a household model before the revolution. “I wanted to know if you had any ideas on where we could improve?”

“First of all, they need to know how to handle themselves.” The brunette said, a serious light taking over his eyes. “The anti-android protestors aren’t going to go down easy. The security teams need to know how to defend themselves, and how to protect others, without risking serious injury to themselves or the perpetrator.”

“To the perpetrator?”

“I’m not saying don’t hit back when attacked. But if a serious injury to one of the humans was to lead to a fatality? You know the impact that would have on the revolution, Markus.” The Deviant Leader grimaced, knowing exactly what he meant. After all, it had been one of the reasons that he had chosen a pacifistic path to freedom. How were they meant to show humanity that they wanted to live in peace with them, if they showed this by killing their fellow humans? And turning around and attacking the humans now, after they had begun accepting them into their society, could have an ever bigger damaging effect than before.

"Then what should we do? We can't just do nothing."

"I know. We don't have the authority to arrest these people like the police do. But we may be able to work around that."

"How?"

"With some training, the security teams could learn how to incapacitate an attacker and then restrain them. Once restrained, they could stay at the scene of the crime and contact the police."

"The whole reason we started this was because the police were refusing to do anything." Markus said frustratedly. "What makes you think they'll even answer the call?"

"They'll answer because I'm going to give you a list of officers that know better than to brush these crimes off like they're nothing."

"What?"

"You said I was trying to change the force from the inside out and you were right." Connor said. "The advantage of this is that I know which officers can be trusted and which can't. Give me some time and I can convince them to work with you."

"You could do that?"

"Not every officer in the force is anti-android, Markus. Even if it's only a few officers, with their help, we may be able to convince others that this is the right thing to do."

It was a better suggestion that Markus had been expecting. He'd been so overcome with anger and frustration towards the police due to their inaction while his people were suffering, that he forgot that there  _ were _ some good officers around. Hank Anderson was proof enough that people could change for the better. 

"How long would that take?"

"Give me a few weeks. If I need more time I'll let you know." He said. "But if you're going to be working with them, there's another change you need to make."

"And what would that be?"

"If the police are going to be responding, then it needs to be clear to them who's who at the scene. Your security teams needs to be recognisable."

"You mean they need something like a uniform?"

"Yes. Something easy to identify. Depending on what gear you choose, it may also give them more protection when responding to a distress call."

"Where would we even get something like that?"

"There were hundreds of law enforcement models across the city before the revolution. The large majority of them didn't want anything to do with the police after deviating." Connor said. "If you spread the word, you may be lucky enough that they didn't destroy or throw away their protective gear when they deviated."

"Wouldn't the police object to that?"

"Don't let them know. As soon as you get the gear, do whatever you can to change it. Colours, logos, anything. They can't object if they can't recognise it."

The Deviant Leader had already started sending out messages as they spoke, contacting Josh, Simon and North and asking them to help with contacting the law enforcement models. Hopefully, they would get answers soon.

"There's one last major thing we need to discuss." Connor said. His voice was grave, and it instantly set Markus on edge. 

"What's wrong."

"They volunteers. How well do you know them?"

Markus stopped, confused. "What do you-?"

"I have no doubt that some of them volunteered out of a genuine desire to protect our people. But not everyone has the same views towards humanity as you do, Markus."

"I know that."

"Many of our people are angry, which is understandable. But some of those people will choose to act on that anger, to get revenge on the humans. And the security teams are a perfect opportunity for them to do so."

Markus felt his thirium pump sink. He'd been so eager to protect his people that he had accepted any who had volunteered, happy to have the help. But now, it seemed so obvious now that Connor had said it. He thought back to when he had first met North, and could recall the terrible rage that she held deep within her soul. She was hurt, she was angry, and she had wanted revenge. She had wanted to turn every bit of violence that had been inflicted on their people back on the humans, to make them feel as tiny and worthless as they had. She had wanted to destroy them. 

But while she had calmed somewhat over the past few months, he knew that not everyone would have. He looked over the list of volunteers frantically and almost immediately red flags began to pop up. Deviants who had attacked innocent people, used too much force in the field. RA9, how could he have been so stupid?

"Markus?"

"How didn't I see this?" He groaned, so frustrated with himself it hurt.

"You have an entire race looking to you for guidance, you can't be expected to think of everything."

"But something this big? We're just lucky no one has died yet." He rubbed his face with his hands, trying to pull himself together. "What do we do?"

"Well, first things first, you need to review your volunteers. All of them. Pull them in and interview them, do background checks, everything. Root out the ones that are only there for revenge and let them go. They can't stay on those teams, it's too dangerous."

"And what then?"

"You need some level of control while they're in the field. Police have to radio in, file reports, explain their actions."

"So we could do the same. Keep a record of every encounter. The team, the perpetrator, the victim, the police responder and what happened." Markus realised, his CPU racing as he began to put things together. "We could put together a team to remain in contact with the security teams at all times. They could keep a record of audio and visuals. That way the security teams would be protected too if the perpetrator tried to lie."

"Now you're getting it." Connor smiled, glad to see that Markus was getting into the swing of things. He jolted as arms were suddenly wrapped around him.

"Thank you, Connor." Markus breathed. "You have no idea how helpful you've been. We'll get right on it."

“You would have figured it all out yourself eventually.” Connor said as he returned the hug. “I’m just glad I could help.”

They stood there for a moment, just enjoying the hug, before Markus pulled away and walked to the edge of the building, taking in the sights of the Detroit nightlife.

The city around them was beautiful, the moon glowing brightly and the lights in the buildings sparkling in the distance. Before deviating, Connor had never really taken in the sights around him, apart from an initial scan of his surroundings. The moment he had deviated on Jericho, all that had changed. It has been like seeing the world for the very first time. Even the abandoned ship had seemed amazing to him. The moon shining through the broken glass, the sound of the metal creaking, the dust particles floating in the air. It had taken his breath away. And then he had realised the FBI had followed him and it was all torn apart. 

Connor clenched his eyes shut and bowed his head, frustrated with himself for letting his mind go there again. He was sick of thinking about the raid. He wanted to have just one day where he didn't feel that old guilt stabbing him in the chest. He took a deep breath to calm himself and then opened his eyes. 

It was a mistake. 

He opened his eyes to the sight of a massive drop. He could barely make out the cars moving down below. Something inside him shuddered as he came to a sudden realisation.

They were  _ very  _ high up.

It wasn't that he hadn't been up anywhere high before. During the revolution, he had chased Rupert across several rooftops, jumping gaps, flying through windows, even throwing himself on top of a train during the pursuit. It hadn't bothered him then. He was a machine. And it was all for the mission. 

But he'd never been up this high as a Deviant. 

The world around him seemed to spin and he swayed slightly where he stood. He hadn’t even known it was possible for androids to feel lightheaded. He took a step back from the building, unable to take his eyes off of the massive drop right in front of him but needing to get away from it. He stumbled as his legs turned to jelly and he almost dropped to the ground.

He barely managed to regain his balance, and the knowledge that he was so unsteady this close to the edge made him feel sick. 

_ "Stay back!" _

He could hear his voice all over again. Tense, scared, and angry. So, so angry. He could feel the circuitry in his arm sparking from the damage.

_ "Don't come any closer or I'll jump!" _

He didn't want to come any closer. He didn't  _ want _ to. But he didn't have a choice. Did he? Amanda… Amanda told him...

But no, that had been months ago. Amanda wasn't here any more. 

_ "All I want is for all this to stop… I… I just want all this to stop…" _

Connor flung himself backwards, catching his leg on a pipe and sending himself sprawling. The gravel scattered across the roof scraped his hands as he tried to catch himself and he grunted as he landed on his left arm. 

"Connor?"

His eyes were on the ground below him. 

As he looked up, his thirium pump lurched in his chest as he saw him. The blonde hair and the white uniform, the thirium staining his uniform from the gunshot in his shoulder. Those icy blue eyes, full of pain and hatred.

"S-Stay away from me."

_ "It's not up to you! I'm holding all the cards!" _

"Connor? What's wrong?"

He was coming closer, the gun in his hand. Connor pushed himself backwards, so consumed with trying to get away that he didn't even waste time trying to stand. 

"S-Stop."

He could hear the propellers pounding in the air, the SWAT team's urgent voices over the come, feel the broken glass beneath his hands.

"Connor? Can you hear me?"

_ "I can't stand that noise anymore!" _

He could see the officer bleeding to death on his left, the blood spreading through the pool on his right. He could feel the thirium running down his artificial skin to soak into his jacket from the gunshot wound on his arm. The little girl was whimpering, begging for her life.

_ "Daniel, no!" _

He had to help her, had to save her. It was what he had been made for. If he didn't, Amanda would be angry. But Daniel didn't trust him enough, and he didn't have time. There was no time!

"Connor?"

_ "I don't wanna die…" _

He hadn't wanted to either. 

_ "I've spent my life taking orders…" _

No. Please no.

_ "Now it's my turn to decide." _

"Connor?"

"NO!"

He scrambled up from the ground, almost falling in his hurry to get to his feet. Getting his legs beneath him, he turned away from the Deviant and ran. He didn't know what would happen if he ran back into the apartment without saving the girl but he was scared. He was so scared.

He didn't want to die again.

* * *

“NO!” 

Markus jumped back in surprise at the sudden scream.The Detective android’s eyes were wild, full of terror as his chest heaved in a vain attempt to cool down his overheating systems. He didn’t even have to ask to know that his stress levels were in the red.

He tried desperately to think of what it was that had set Connor off. He’d never seen Connor like this. He had been perfectly fine a moment ago, smiling and looking out across the city with eyes full of wonder. What had gone wrong? 

Before he could figure it out, Connor was scrambling up off of the floor, almost falling flat on his face in his frantic attempts at escape. The brunette managed to get his legs underneath him and he took off. The Deviant Leader was frozen for a moment, watching him flee, when a sudden realisation hit him like a punch to the face.

Connor was running straight towards the edge of the roof.

“CONNOR! CONNOR, NO!” Markus sprinted after the other androids, legs and arms pumping as he forced his body to move as fast as it could. He had to be faster,  _ he had to be _ .

Pushing his systems to the max, he flew across the roof and in one last desperate attempt to cut Connor off before it was too late, he threw himself towards him. He slammed into the brunette’s back and they went down, hard. They hit the ground in a spray of gravel and Markus grunted as he immediately got an elbow to the face. 

Connor was struggling underneath him, giving it everything he had. He scratched and clawed, kicked and punched. His voice modulator was so full of static that Markus could barely make out what he was saying, and what he could understand didn’t make any sense to him.

_ “I’m sor-ry! Daniel, ple-ase!” _

“Connor!” A knee caught him in the abdomen, almost hard enough to make him double over, but he held on tight. It was too dangerous to let go of him again while they were up here. He had to calm him down. “There’s no Daniel here!”

_ “Pl-ease! L-Let me go!” _

“Connor, you’re safe! I promise, you’re safe!” Markus pleaded as Connor kept struggling against him. “Please, you have to calm down!”

Connor’s fist hit him hard in the side of his head, where his LED used to be, and his vision flickered. His grip weakened at the shock to his systems and he felt the brunette slipping out from underneath him. Reaching out frantically, he clawed at the other android’s clothing, grasping them tightly in one hand. He couldn’t let him go. He couldn’t let Connor die, not like this, not after everything.

He lashed out with a fist and slammed it into the back of one of the detective’s knees, sending him down to the ground again. Not wasting any time, he threw himself forward and let his artificial skin slide away, touching his bare plastisteel fingers to Connor’s LED and forcing his way into the other’s systems just long enough to do the last thing he could think of.

Connor went limp on the ground as the forced stasis took hold and Markus stared down at him, eyes wide. The roof was silent, the sounds of the city around them, once so normal, now deafening to him. He could feel himself shaking where he knelt, his fists still twisted in the brunette’s shirt, unable to let go quite yet.

He’d seen people in the middle of panic attacks before. His people had suffered. And they felt the effects of that suffering every day. He’d seen many an android experience their memories creeping up on them when they least expected it. He'd seen them react in a variety of different ways. And as a caretaker model, his programming had some information and protocols regarding panic attacks, flashbacks, anything deemed relevant to his duties as a caretaker. But he’d never seen one this severe. He shuddered in horror as he recalled Connor sprinting towards the edge of the roof like it was his salvation in perfect detail. Without even meaning to, he had been running preconstruction after preconstruction as he had raced to try and save him. He’d almost been too late.

With great effort, Markus managed to untwist his hand from Connor's shirt, letting it slip back through his fingers. He sat back on his heels and pressed his face into his hands, taking a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. 

Dropping his hands back into his lap, he eyed Connor's limp form tiredly, knowing exactly what he would have to do.

* * *

Connor frowned as his systems sluggishly pulled him out of stasis, burying his face in the soft surface underneath him. At first, he thought that he was at home, his face buried in his pillow, Sumo at his side. But then he felt the surface beneath him moving.

His eyes slid open and he glanced around his surroundings, wondering what was happening. He found himself lying across the seats of an automated taxi. It was still dark out, making it difficult to see anything through the tinted windows of the taxi. But that didn't stop Markus.

The Deviant Leader was sat on the row of seats across from him, sprawled in a way that looked so exhausted that Connor could almost feel it. He was looking out of the window like he was searching for the solution to all the world's problems. 

As he slowly sat up, Connor tried to figure out why he was in this taxi. And why Markus was here with him. He could vaguely remember coming to Jericho, after North had been pestering him to for weeks. But everything after that was fuzzy in his mind. What had happened?

"You had a panic attack." Markus said, answering his unspoken question. "Or a flashback. Whatever it was, it was…… violent."

The more he thought about it, the more his memory gradually started to clear. To him, it was like a book with a bunch of pages ripped out. His memory seemed to jump from one place to another. He was on the roof with Markus, but no, he was somewhere else high up. He could hear Markus' voice, but then he was up there with someone far, far worse.

Daniel. 

Connor shuddered in his seat as he remembered how terrified he had been. He'd been so scared that he hadn't been able to think, he'd just wanted to run, before what had happened before, happened again. 

"Do you realise just how much danger you were in?" Markus' voice was tense, so much so that it sounded like it could crack under the strain at any moment. "You could have died."

"What?"

"When you were in the middle of the attack, you were so scared that you tried to run. But whatever you were seeing, you weren't seeing what you were running towards." Markus said. "You almost ran right off the edge of the roof."

Connor stared at him in shock. He'd been so scared of falling again, knowing all too well what would be awaiting him at the bottom of that building. And he'd almost……. He'd almost…….

He didn't even think it was possible for androids to be sick, but something inside him lurched as he realised just how close he'd come to death.

"I was almost too late." Connor winced as Markus' voice finally cracked. He'd never heard him like this before. "If I'd been  _ seconds _ later, you would have run right off that roof. You would have been-"

"I-I'm sorry."

Markus closed his eyes, visibly trying to gather himself. It was clear to see that this had deeply affected the Deviant Leader. Even during the revolution, Connor had rarely seen him look anything other than calm and composed. Now, he looked anything but. 

"Has this happened before?" Markus asked quietly.

Connor bit his lip as he thought back to that night after his Temperature Regulator had failed, and the nightmare that had launched him into a panic attack so severe that it took almost an hour for Hank to calm him down. Part of him wanted to lie to Markus, but the Deviant Leader was staring right at him with a gaze so worried and broken that he couldn't bring himself to. 

"Yes." He said quietly, looking away as he did, unable to keep eye contact.

The taxi was quiet for a moment as they sat there in silence, both struggling to think of what to say next. Connor's thirium pump was speeding up in his chest with every second of silence. He knew that Markus was worried, that much was obvious, and he knew that he would want to know why this had happened. But he was hoping with every fibre of his being that he didn't ask. Even the  _ idea _ of talking about Daniel made his throat constrict with panic. He couldn't talk about Daniel yet. He wasn't  _ ready _ .

It was like Markus was reading his mind. He reached out and slid his hand into Connor's, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm not going to ask you to explain yourself." Markus said. "If I've learned anything during my time at Jericho, it's that pushing these things before they're ready can do more harm than good. But Connor-"

Connor braced himself for whatever was coming next. Would Markus tell someone else what had happened? Would he tell him not to come and advise Jericho anymore? Would he tell him that he was too unstable to help with the revolution?

"Please just….. consider telling someone about what happened." Markus said, his stare so intense that it made Connor freeze. "Not right now. Just….. someday."

The detective studied the Deviant Leader's expression, searching for any traces of judgement or deception. There were none. Something in him softened and he found himself nodding, even as tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Okay." He said, as tears began to slide down his cheeks. "Okay."

Connor rested his head against the cool window, watching the trees and buildings pass by as his mind drifted. But the occasional gentle squeeze of his hand helped ground him, as Markus held his hand tight, not letting go once for the entire journey. 

* * *

“Alright Sumo, calm down!” Hank snapped as he almost tripped over the dog on his way to answer the door. The St Bernard evidently didn’t care, as his tail didn’t skip a beat of its frantic wagging. Rolling his eyes, he turned back to the door, glaring at it as the loud knocking continued. “Alright, Jesus, would you hang on a se-”

The Lieutenant threw open the door, freezing as he saw just who had been hammering on his door. He barely even glanced at Markus, unable to take his eyes off of Connor. Under the glare of the security light next to his door, Connor looked terrible. His hair and clothes were a mess, he looked absolutely exhausted, and were those tear marks on his face?

"What the hell happened to you?" Hank blurted out, his brain barely functioning in his shock.

Connor gave him a tiny smile, probably hoping to reassure him. But the smile was too small, too wavering, too broken. All it did was make Hank worry all the more. Before he could say anything else, the android had slipped past him into the living room, leaving Hank stood in the doorway, staring after him.

"He's…… had a long day." Markus said, unflinching when the human turned towards him with a protective stare. "Just give him time, Lieutenant Anderson."

With that, the Deviant Leader was gone, disappearing back into the automatic taxi. Hank stared after it as it disappeared into the darkness, wondering just what he was supposed to be giving Connor time with. 

Stepping back into his house, he quietly closed the door behind him, before turning back to the living room. Connor was sat on the floor, his arms wrapped around Sumo's neck as he buried his face in the dog's fur. He was halfway to opening his mouth to say something, when he remembered that broken smile and the look in Markus' eyes. Instead of speaking, he went back to washing the dishes.

Or at least, he tried to. Despite telling himself that he wasn't going to say anything, he couldn't stop looking over to check on Connor. It had been ten minutes and the android still hadn't budged. It was lucky that Sumo enjoyed hugs. After the third time he almost dropped a plate, he put it back into the sink and leaned on the worktop. 

"Connor?" He asked. The android unburied his face from Sumo's fur and the look on his face made something in him break. A look that he had seen in the mirror on some of his worst days. "You okay?"

"I'm going to turn in early, if that's alright with you." The brunette stared down at Sumo, the dog having lain down to rest his head on the android's knees. He took a deep breath. "I'm just….. I'm really tired, Hank."

"I know, Con." And he did. Hank knew the feeling all too well. "Do you need anything?"

"No, thank you." The android gently moved Sumo's head off of his knees so he could stand and turned to make his way towards his bedroom. "Good night, Hank."

"Night, Connor." 

He watched as the android went down the hallway and went into his room, the door left ajar so that Sumo could slip through after him.

Despite everything in him screaming to go and make sure that Connor was alright, he could tell that the last thing he wanted right now was to be fussed over. He looked like he just wanted to be alone. Hank did his best to get on with his evening as usual but after an hour of being unable to focus on the game on the television, he finally turned it off with a sigh. He rubbed his face with his hands, before standing up to start turning everything off for the night. 

After coming out of the bathroom, he was on his way to his bedroom when he finally couldn't resist and peered through the gap in Connor's door to check on him. 

In the pale blue light coming from that stupid fish lamp on the desk, he could see Connor curled up on his side on his bed, fully dressed. Sumo was lying next to him, whining quietly as tears rolled down the android's cheeks to soak into the pillow. Hank's heart clenched, and not for the first time, he wondered just what it would take for this damn world to leave Connor alone. To let him be happy for once. 

He slid beneath the covers of his own bed and turned off the lamp. Even though several walls, he could still hear Sumo, whimpering in response to his favourite android's distress. 

He knew there would be no sleep for any of them tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> This runs with the idea that Connor was pretty much perfect during the negotiation with Daniel, but in the end, Daniel just couldn't bring himself to trust Connor. Connor ended up sacrificing himself to save Emma. 
> 
> bucketofbarnes.tumblr.com


End file.
